The Blue Envelope of Death

In honor of U.S. Tax Day:

As not-quite-a-staff member of my international organization, I fall into a sort of diplomatic limbo: I am allowed to live in the Netherlands, but otherwise I have no diplomatic privileges. You might be asking, who needs diplomatic privileges? Trust me, it helps.

Our first limbo-challenge was the realization that I had no status to sponsor Jeff's stay in the Netherlands. I felt impotent. Thus began our mad scramble to find any plausible grounds for Jeff to obtain a visa independently - and our full introduction to the logistical wrangling of expat life.

Everything as a non-diplomatic expat is a battle: opening a bank account (you have to register with the city first), registering with the city (the registration couldn't be finalized until Jeff submitted his residency application), submitting a residency application (which in Jeff's case required a bank account). Do you buy international health insurance or local health insurance? What's your back-up plan when they reject you for a seemingly minor pre-existing condition? 

And then there's the question of taxes. A staff member at my work would be exempt from Dutch taxes, and her salary would be grossed up to cover any U.S. taxes she could not otherwise get out of paying. Sweet! 

As for me: too bad, so sad. 

Sure, a delightful thing called the Foreign Earned Income Tax Exclusion allows me to avoid most federal and state taxes, but I still have to pay for Social Security and Medicare. Meanwhile, my colleagues assured me that I didn't have to worry about Dutch taxes unless the Dutch authorities (the Belastingdienst) came knocking on my door - which they do by sending you a letter in a bright bluish-purple envelope. No colorful envelope, no Dutch taxes.

This reassured me for about a month, until one day I came home to the blue envelope of death.

It could be worse. Actually, as it turns out, it could have been much worse. First, the Dutch tax authority prepared my return for me, in about 10 minutes. I cannot imagine typing the Dutch equivalent of a 1040 Form and accompanying instruction booklet into Google translate. Second, it turned out I make so little - even when entered as Euros (and have you seen the exchange rate lately??) - that I didn't owe any Dutch taxes after all. Sweet - or sad?

Still, we're stuck paying the city trash tax and the water pollution tax, which are not cheap, and I am sure other fees are lurking right around the corner. Thank god we have no children, cars, or pets (because there is a dog tax).